Just fell off a train. Bad.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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