If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
