I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
