Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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