So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
