Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
