yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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