the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Someone came in the potted fern
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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