the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Randomize
