oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
