dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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