you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
