I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
