I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
