she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
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I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
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I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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