You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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