Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
