if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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