blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
