We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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