I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
