i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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