I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
