Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
