Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
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