I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
