god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize