Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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