omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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