We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
