I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
