The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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