Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
