Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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