she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
