my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
