I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
