I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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