I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
