you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
whose parrot is this?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.