the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.