i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
