dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
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He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
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Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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