He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Randomize
