last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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