Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
