so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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