you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
