i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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