Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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