I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
