Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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