I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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