awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
My vagina is officially offended.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
