who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
