a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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