there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
