I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
