Already got asked if we're dating
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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