The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
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